Levedy

First Anniversary

Yesterday was our first anniversary. Since the traditional first gift is paper, I bought tickets (they're made of paper, right?) to Penn and Teller. We had dinner at a nice steakhouse there at the Rio Hotel. (FISH! I ate FISH! And it was GOOD!).

I raced to the bathroom at the end of the show hoping to beat The Unending Queue of Full-Bladdered Women, but they beat me to it. I frowned, said "Um, ladies?" and pointed to my belly. They all told me to go to the front of the line.

Aaaaaaahhhhhh. Nothing like taking advantage.

Oh, and by the way, you could die.

Copy of an email sent to my parents and to Sophie on Thursday:

Dim and I went to our OB doctor's appointment this morning. The nurse took my blood pressure and noted that it was a little high. The doctor came in and said "It might be a sign of PREECLAMPSIA. Lie down for a while and try to calm down. We'll take your blood pressure again in a few minutes."

She could have said "If your blood pressure doesn't go down, we'll shove bamboo shoots up your nails. No worries. Just calm down and we'll measure again in a few minutes." It would have had the same effect.*

So - big surprise, my blood pressure didn't go down. It was taken three times by two different nurses. They couldn't get the same result twice. To be sure, my doctor sent me to the hospital so they could check me out.

So we went to the hospital and three hours later I had been poked and prodded and cuffed and inflated only to find out that my blood pressure was better than that of any of the nurses on the OB ward and that my liver enzyme levels were the envy of anyone who saw the phlebotomist's report. The nurse said that I was the second of Dr. Tyre's patients to come in that morning for phantom blood pressure problems. It was probably something as simple as the nurse's blood pressure gauges being wonky and giving bad readings.

Dim stayed by me the whole time, even though there was nothing wrong. The nurse told him a few times "You can go, you know. She's not going anywhere." He wasn't budging. Awwww.

So the moral of the story is: I was at the hospital today, but there was NOTHING wrong and I am FINE. I didn't call you guys because I didn't want you flipping out. Having three grandparents-to-be (ed note: who am I kidding? One in particular) flailing their arms and gnashing their teeth and ringing Dim's cell phone off the hook would not have helped my blood pressure** (which is still FINE, by the way).

*Preeclampsia is the sudden and dangerous onset of geyser-level high blood pressure in pregnant women. The only cure is delivery of the baby, be it full-term or no. It's scary as shit, especially considering I'm at 29 of 40 weeks, which would put Spanky smack dab in a NICU (assuming she made it through an emergency C-section.) No wonder my blood pressure wasn't going down, eh?

**Sophie was predictably pissed off that she wasn't called. She said "I wouldn't have been flailing my arms. I would have just made sure everyone was doing their job properly." I said "Exaaaactly. That's why we didn't call you." thinking: if I didn't have a blood pressure problem before going to the hospital, I certainly would have developed one watching you bark orders at the Labor and Delivery nurses. The monitors I was hooked up to would have prevented my running and hiding in the parking lot, which would be a damned shame, considering.

You’ll Still Baby-sit, Right?

I had to have a bit of a conniption last night. The situation was approaching intolerable, and I had to have a small showdown.

Dim and I were at Sophie’s for dinner. Sophie’s friend Andrea was there, too. We were all sitting around the table after dinner, blabbing about babies (yea!) and my anxiety with needles (boo!) and Sophie started talking about all of the a) horrible things that happened to her while she delivered and b) horrible things that could happen to me if I were to deliver, you know, in the Twilight Zone. She was clearly trying to freak me out.

The conversation went something like this:

J: Sophie, stop.

S: And the cord was wrapped around her neck so tightly that her heart stopped with each contraction. I thought she was going to die –

J: Sophie, you're starting to freak me out. Stop.

S: But you never know, I heard of a woman who [I don’t remember details. I’m making this part up] died in childbirth because she didn’t have her IV in properly.

J: Stop!

S: So you had better get over your needle thing, because if you don’t have the needle in correctly and on time, the baby could [again, making it up, but not by much] sprout spontaneous boils and die of-

At this point, I had had my fill of her trying to scare me and ignoring my requests to STFU.

J: (slamming my palm down on the table) SOPHIE, STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY IS VERY IMPORTANT! Your job is NOT to frighten me, and your job is NOT to inform me of every possible dramatic complication. That’s my doctor’s job, and she’s doing a fine enough job SOLO. Don’t do this ANY MORE, because it’s NOT WELCOME.

(Awkward silence punctured only by my flaring my nostrils and her rolling her eyes)

I was surprised at myself. I’ve never really yelled at her before. I’ve laid the snark on pretty thick, but I’ve never yelled, and I’ve certainly never struck furniture. I think I shocked her, too, because she was almost (almost) speechless. She muttered something about “You need to know stuff like this” and somebody changed the topic to something else.

She didn’t try to scare me for the rest of the night.

Let’s hope it sticks.

Still Sucky, but Better

I had to get my blood drawn again today. Luckily, it was not as bad as the last time I went to the phlebotomist's.

This guy had me laughing the whole time. When I said "I have to tell you, I'm really, REALLY bad with needles," he said "Me too. Around these parts, they call me 'Jitters'." He tried to bet me $10 that I would faint, and when he was done drawing my blood, he joked: "Admit it - I'm the best you've ever had."

HA! I was so busy laughing I didn't have time to faint or soil myself.

There's always next time, though.

Trouble Brewing

Notice what she's zeroed in on...

...Andrew's fish.

Phases of Matter, II

Exhibit Two: Gas and Plasma

Phases of Matter

Exhibit one: liquid

Escape

We ran away for the weekend.

Dim has been working like a dog for the past three weeks solid. I told him that we were running away for the weekend to Los Angeles.

We stayed with his aunt Petrula (whom I adore. I adore all of his aunts, though). We visited with her (and our) favorite German man-toy Stefan. We slept in, ate good food, watched several movies, went to wackaloon places you would ONLY find in Los Angeles, and danced to Ray Charles in Petrula’s kitchen. It was fabulous.

Dim was such a good boy. While he did take his cell phone, he didn’t answer it (at least when I was looking.) It was very relaxing. Unfortunately, Dim went back to work yesterday and didn’t come home until midnight. :(

Having Coffee

Swan in Latte Foam

100 50 more things about me

My 100 things was getting a bit stale, so I thought I would come up with another 100.

I'm clearly not interesting enough for another 100, as I ran dry at 50.

1. I secretly fear that my mother in law will discover this blog. I’ve never said a false word about her on this thing, but what I have said she wouldn’t find flattering.
2. I secretly wish that people find my writing funny. Maybe they’ll think that I’m smart, too.
3. This is one of my favorite posts.
4. This one is, too. (Oh, fine. This one too.)
5. The best compliment that I ever got about my writing was that it reminded someone of Heather Armstrong’s.
6. My mother and my mother in law were (are) good mothers. I want to make them both proud. My good motherhood will please my mother and mildly shock my mother in law.
7. Even after 11 years with him, I still love my husband so much that it hurts
8. Exception to #7: when he eats too many carbohydrates. Then I silently debate sending him to another room to sleep for the night.
9. I have a newish freckle named Oliver.
10. I’m a good cook when I put my mind to it
11. I despise folding laundry
12. I wonder when the proper age to train my child to fold laundry will be. Is three months too early?
13. I pretend my cat talks to me by mimicking what her voice would be like
14. I talk to myself in the car. I’m an excellent conversationalist, if I do say so myself
15. I’m expecting my first child in early May
16. My childless friends have already tired of this subject and as such don’t call me much anymore
17. I’m an anti-pack-rat. I’m probably too aggressive about what I throw away
18. I am still afraid of stuffed toys that move or talk on their own
19. When I’m stressed I scratch at my face and my arms. I have the scars to prove it.
20. I once accidentally offered a blind girl a camera
21. I was teased relentlessly in grade/middle school about any one of the following issues: my weight, my family’s income, my complexion, my race, and my vocabulary
22. I wouldn’t repeat junior high if you paid me (see #21)
23. I never admitted to not being a virgin to my parents until I was pregnant
24. I yell at the television during Jeopardy!
25. I yell at the television during The O’Reilly Factor
26. I never liked sports, but I did enjoy badminton quite a bit
27. I’m a secret shopper for my local grocery store
28. I think exactly like my father. This scares both my father and me.
29. I think that my sister is becoming more likeable as the years pass. I’m still pissed about my yearbook, though.
30. My cat doesn’t like to touch me when I’m undressed. I try not to read too far into that.
31. I’ve stood 24 inches from the Rosetta Stone
32. I accidentally stepped on T.S. Eliot’s grave marker in Westminster Abbey and uttered a quiet “ooh, sorry” as if he could hear.
33. Apparently I speak before I think
34. I’m not exactly sure how a bidet works, although Lord knows I gave it the old college try while staying in Rome.
35. Evidently I made enough (unpleasant) noise in the attempt for the hotel management to bring up a tray of champagne and flutes. No, really.
36. I don’t pray to Jesus often, but when I do, it’s usually aloud and in my car. I crack jokes while I pray. It’s some of my best material.
37. My priest made me promise not to crack jokes at my baptism
38. I thank God almost every night for putting my husband in my life. (Exception: #8)
39. I fear that he doesn’t do the same for me
40. I’m told that I have a genuine, if not nice, smile
41. I’ll never own a pet bird
42. I want to learn to shoot a gun so that I will be less afraid of them
43. I can carry on a conversation with just about anyone.
44. Making people laugh with self-deprecating humor is how I whistle in the dark
45. I’ve already told my husband whom he can marry if I die without incurring my haunting. I haven’t broken the news to her yet, though
46. I don’t wear shoes on carpet
47. I told a dirty joke in the Vatican on the way to the Sistine Chapel. The pope was dead within a month. I hope the two are not related.
48. I never have normal dreams
49. Dimitri’s family (almost without exception) adores me and is genuinely excited when I come to visit. It’s a great feeling.
50. I don’t have enough pictures of my family hanging in my house

While She's Still the Center of Attention

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

Yer Bassinette Blues

Culinary One-Upmanship

Dimitri’s aunt was in town the other night, and the whole Celto-Mediterranean lot of us went out to dinner. Hosanna, Mugdie, Sophie, Dimitri, Athena, her fiancé Patrick, and I were all seated around the table discussing everything and nothing.

Sophie, not one to let bragging about herself be limited to herself, tells everyone at the table how well she’s feeding her pregnant daughter. She pokes Athena and says “tell them what I gave you to take to lunch today. Go on. Tell them.” Athena sheepishly responds: “Filet mignon and asparagus with hollandaise.”

Not to be outdone, I say “Oh yeah? Well I had a pear and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, cut into four triangles”

I heard a few stifled giggles around the table. Sophie squinched up her face and looked as if I had just farted.

Heh.