So I told you that story to tell you this one.
I managed to humiliate myself in a fast food drive through again. Years ago, after a trip to the Strip to visit old friends, I handed the drive through kid prostitute calling cards thinking that they were money. I rooted around in my purse for the stray bills that I knew were in there, and grabbed the hooker cards by mistake. BY MISTAKE, PEOPLE. The drive through kid recognized what I had handed him before I did. Awkwarrrrrd.
One of the recurring themes in my life is the constant beating into my head the lesson that I AM NOT COOL. I never had cool points, and I'm certainly not gaining them as I age. The universe appears to align the planets such that I will never manage to scrape together any sense of pride. Butt of the Earth's jokes, thy name is Jen.
So I was at the McDonald's drive through recently, and rooting around in my purse without looking (like a moron. This type of situation never end well for me) and managed to pull out cash. So far, so good. However, the back of my hand caught on an empty box of Preparation H, and as I drew my hand out of my purse, the Preparation H box flipped out and landed on top of my belly, which at its current size, can hold two place settings, complete with forks designating a fish course and a fancy folded napkin.
I tried my best to discreetly remove the box from sight, but it was clear from the horrified look on the McDonald's kid's face that he knew exactly what was going on and EWWWW OMG WTF I AM TAKING MONEY FROM A BUTT FIEND! PLEASE GOD LET HER HAVE WASHED HER HANDS BEFORE HANDING ME THIS CASH. I debated explaining that this is my third pregnancy in almost as many years, and yes, hemorrhoids are an incredibly common annoyance that pregnant women must suffer through, and please don't be judgmental about what is obviously an awkward situation for both of OMG LADY PLEASE PLEASE PULL FORWARD I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU ANY MORE GO GET YOUR BURGER AND GO ANUS LADY.
So, yeah. Good job, Cosmos.