Levedy

Birth Plan

I was digging through some old documents on my computer when I came across this birth plan. I wrote it in anticipation of Chris' birth. None of it was needed, since I ended up barreling into the delivery room at 88 miles an hour and dilated to 8 centimeters, but I still think that it's a fun read:

Obstetrician: Dr. X, Hospital X

My husband, Dimitri, should be present with me through all stages of my delivery. Unless, of course, I brain him with a bedpan because he says something stupid like “Come on, it can’t hurt that much,” in which case, please assign him to scrub toilets.

Corrective Lenses: I need to wear contact lenses or glasses at all times when conscious, as my vision is so bad that being without corrective lenses is unbearably disorienting. If I don’t wear my contacts, you could hand me just about anything weighing approximately seven pounds and tell me it’s my son, and I’ll believe you. My contact lenses take very little time to remove in the event of an emergency, and furthermore are extended wear, so there would be no problem if they were left in my eyes for an extended period of time, up to a week, including periods of sleep. My husband will have my glasses in case I need to remove my lenses.

Prep: I would prefer to avoid an enema or extensive shaving of pubic hair. Once you see me with nothing on but a hospital gown, you will also prefer to avoid performing these activities on me.

Free Movement: I wish to be able to move around and change position at will throughout labor. I would like to be allowed to choose the position in which I give birth, including squatting and/or strangling husband.

IV: I do not want an IV unless I become dehydrated. I will accept having a device (heparin lock?) inserted into a vein so that an IV can be started up quickly when needed, but without the IV being connected until it is needed. My good mood and general willingness to not kill people is inversely proportional to the number of tubes and cords and beeping things attached to me.

Visitors: Other than my husband, I do NOT want visitors while laboring or during birth. I will express my wishes beforehand to my and my husband’s family, but they’re slippery buggers. The grandfathers will happily stay far, far away, but you know how grandmothers are. Now multiply that by two. They’re feisty, and I wouldn’t put it past them to try to use mind control on you to gain entry to the labor ward. Be strong, ladies. For my sake, JUST SAY NO. While in recovery, I will gladly entertain them so they can see their new grandson, but beforehand, while laboring, no way, Jose.

Artificial Rupture of Amniotic Membrane: I do not wish to have the amniotic membrane ruptured artificially before the birth unless signs of fetal distress require an internal monitor. If it becomes necessary to break my water, insert a catheter, and an internal monitor, I want that to happen after an epidural, not before. During my daughter’s birth, I got to experience that all at once and without any sort of anesthetic beforehand. How is that nurse coping without the use of her limbs, by the way?

Anesthesia and Pitocin: I do not wish to use any anesthesia unless I request it during labor. I am no hero, nor am I the earth-mother, bongo-beating, granola-chomping, natural birth type. I will TOTALLY want drugs: I just want to be the one who decides when I get them. I will want local anesthesia for repair of tears or of episiotomy, of course. I do not want routine pitocin to be used.

Episiotomy: I do not wish an episiotomy unless required to avoid an extensive tear. I would prefer a medium-sized tear to an episiotomy, although I imagine that it may be hard to judge how much tearing will occur. I intend to take all possible measures to avoid the need for an episiotomy. Extensive prayer and bargaining with God will likely be involved. Please, don’t cut into my hoo-hah unless it’s medically necessary. I like my hoo-hah, and it likes me.

Birth: I would like to be allowed to hold the child immediately after birth. My husband would like to cut the umbilical cord. This is our first son, and my husband might be nervous, so please make sure that it’s the cord that he’s cutting.

We realize that many of these demands relate to the early stages of labor, which would ideally happen at home rather than wallowing around a labor ward for hours and hours. We are reasonable people, and will most likely follow the reasoned advice of Dr X, even if it conflicts with our wishes stated above. We hope that, like our last birth experience at Hospital X, the nurses will be similarly reasonable and supportive. Except the lady who broke my water and shoved a catheter tube up my….well…without arms anymore, how much harm can she be?

Posted by Jen at October 4, 2008 10:37 AM