Levedy

Fucktard Asswipe Douchelicker

So I discovered that Earen, born two weeks after Bean, received his Social Security card two weeks ago. Bean has yet to get one. I admit that I got a little wigged about it since I read that babies are the #1 target for identity theft.*

That, and apparently Washington Mutual has sent me THREE MasterCards that I never received. Yipes.

So I go to the Social Security website. First off, the website looks like a fake website that some 12-year-old cooked up to make you think you’re on the right website, you know, like SocialSecurit.com or something like that. But no, my tax dollars are paying for shitty web design. I won’t even link it. The website was the digital version of the old “How to keep an idiot busy” card (Turn. How do you keep an idiot busy? Turn. How do you keep…)

No help there. I make the mistake of calling the SSA to ask a human what to do.**

The SSA has a super intelligent, Sky Net voice recognition system that is supposed to take care of your every need. I swear to you, the conversation between Hal and me went like this:

[it] Tell me what you would like to do.
[me] Check on the status of my baby’s Social Security card
[it] How many forms do you need?
[me] Zero.
[it] I think you said “zero.” Is that correct?
[me] Yes.
[it] Okay, then. Tell me what you would like to do.
[me] *sigh* Check on my baby’s card
[it] How many forms do you need?
[me] NONE
[it] I think you said “none.” Is that correct?
[me] Yes, dipwad.
[it] Okay, then. Tell me what you would like to do.
[me] Speak to a human.
[it] How many forms-
[me]AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
[it] I think you said “eight.” Is that correct?
[me] FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, GET ME A HUMAN, YOU BLITHERING BUCKET OF BOLTS!
[it] Hold please.

I got to speak to a human, who, no shit, asked me how many forms I needed so that I could walk into my local Social Security office. I asked him what, if anything, he could do over the phone for me. He confirmed that Bean’s SS card hasn’t yet been issued, so it hasn’t been yanked out of the mail, but that all he could do over the phone was arrange to SEND ME SS-5 APPLICATION FORMS.

I asked what going to my local office would accomplish, and he said that they could accept my SS-5 form to apply for a new Social Security card. I said “But I’ve already done that – oh, never-fucking-mind.”

Gaaaah! Where’s a hot poker when you need one?

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*Here is another example of how the criminals in my community are far smarter than I. It would never have occurred to me to steal a baby’s SS card. I’d have eighteen years of unfettered access to pre-approved credit cards, allowing me to buy a lifetime supply of mail-order drugs. Genius!
**I also made the mistake of not having a hot poker to shove in my eye. I substituted the antenna on my phone. Alas, it was not sharp enough to accomplish the job.

Posted by Jen at July 11, 2006 2:24 PM