Levedy

More evidence that this blog is the paragon of highbrow reading

Sorry for the posting delay. I keep trying to think of non-baby related things to post about, but it’s exceptionally difficult.

Last night was my sister-in-law’s opera. She played the part of Pamina in The Magic Flute. Sophie, Dim, and I went to dinner at an Italian restaurant called Strings before the show. Seated at the back of the restaurant was a crowd of NASCAR buffs. And their hookers.

These women had to have been bought and paid for. I can’t imagine how a guy looking something like this can be escorted by a woman who looks like this. Only in Vegas. And only on a NASCAR race weekend.

As we were packing up to leave, I kept my eye on one of the ladies of the evening who was also getting up to leave. She was gorgeous. I could have grated Romano cheese on her abs. She had a diamond thing glued in her belly button that sparkled in the light and the whole thing said “Envy me! You’ll never have such a beautiful navel!”

I was debating my own navel, as well as the merits of making lemonade from lemons, and considered calling the Goodyear people to offer them my services at the racetrack this weekend. I waddled into the restroom, and quickly realized I was followed by the gorgeous lady.

Whoa. Gorgeous ladies have to pee? But I pee, too. Does that mean I share something with her species? Naaaaah. She sits in the stall next to me and, to my secret joy, lets out the biggest ball of gas I have heard in a long time (and I’m married to a MAN.) That beast must have been chewing the inside of her stomach for DAYS.

It was truly beautiful. We all have flaws, I guess. No matter how drop-dead (*from herpes*) gorgeous this escort was, she can’t digest massive amounts of carbohydrates any better than I can.

And my flaw? I pee with gassy hookers.

UPDATE FOR THE MENFOLK: After reading this post, Dimitri did not understand my sense of schadenfreude towards the hooker. See, guys, in ladies' public restrooms, farting loudly is a BIG TIME FAUX PAS. You simply cannot fart. The mere thought of a stranger knowing that you have body functions other than urine is terrifically embarrassing, and women (and I know women. I'm a women.) will go to great, sometimes gymnastic, lengths to avoid anything other than #1 in a public loo.

Posted by Jen at March 11, 2006 9:22 AM