What do you think so far?
Family
Please respect my wishes and do not try to come into the labor and/or delivery room without my express permission. As of right now, I want only Dimitri in the room with me. If I end up braining him with a bedpan, I will ask my mother to join me. Mom, wear a helmet. If I want other visitors, I will request them.
Please refrain from trying to get around this by calling Dimitri’s cell phone every fifteen minutes. I would like him focused on me, not on you. Should he desire to give updates, he will volunteer them at times that are convenient for us.
Dimitri does not have the power of veto on these matters. Besides, he will most likely be unconscious after the bedpan incident.
I do not expect ANYONE to wait in the waiting room. If my labor is anything like my mother’s, I will be in labor for approximately fourteen days. You have better things to do, and besides, everyone lives ten minutes from the hospital. My feelings will not be at all hurt if you decide that your time is better spent elsewhere. If you do choose to wait in the waiting room, I may send you on secret missions to fetch me hot dogs while the nurses aren’t looking.
I cannot guarantee that I will maintain my usual flawless grace and tact while blowing out my nether regions. If I say anything hurtful or, say, question the marital status of your parents upon your birth, please remember that it is the baby talking and not me. You may wash her mouth out with soap once we bring her home from the hospital.
Husband
I will love you until the end of time. During labor, however, be prepared for my not liking you very much, if at all. Stand by me, and don’t argue with me. If I call you a sodding semen-beast that ought to be castrated on the spot, you should reply with something along the lines of “Yes, dear, you’re absolutely right. Can I hand you a bedpan?”
Tell me often how beautiful and how brave I am. Practice saying it now so that you won’t laugh while saying it to me while I’m dilating.
Do not tell me when to get drugs. Trust me, I’ll know when I need them, and I’ll ask for them myself.
Sneak in hot dogs for me if I so request.
Please do not tell people when or if I poop on the delivery table. In fact, don’t even tell me.
Photography (Video)
Hell. Fucking. No.
Photography (Still)
Try not to show anything pink.
The safety words (the words that signal the IMMEDIATE cessation of photography, no discussion allowed) will be LENS CAP NOW, ASSHOLE.
Posted by Jen at January 30, 2006 10:28 AM