I try to keep this blog a family show. I refrain from using profanity, sexual euphemisms, and I never discuss genitalia. Ever.
But I am afraid, dear friends, that as voluntary readers, you will be subjected to content unbecoming a blog as snow-white as this.
Let’s talk vomit.
My nausea is compelling evidence that God is choosing to get back at me for opening Christmas presents two weeks early when I was ten years old and subsequently re-wrapping them before anyone was the wiser. This is retribution for inadvertently (I swear!) mocking a student’s recently dead-from-cancer father. I thought that I had made amends for revenge puking in Kim Speicher’s shoes in Girl Scouts.
Although I will get a child out of this, and everyone says that it makes up for all the misery yadda yadda yadda, here is a short list of things that will forever remind me of this god-forsaken cycle of renting my ingestible nutrients:
Eggs
Toothpaste
Raw meat
Half-cooked meat
Meat in non-patty or non-nugget form
Cat Food
Trail Mix
Sunny Delight
Peanut Butter
The pregnancy propaganda books all SWORE that I would stop heaving the gorge at three months. They are all DOODY-HEADED LIARS. I’m sitting on five months and can’t possibly picture ever scrambling my own eggs AGAIN. Five months. That’s 60 days of more spewing than is expected for most women. 60 days of daily urp-fests.
I have a call in to my dentist to see what effects all this hurling the baloney will have on my teeth. I hear about bulimic girls who barf their teeth right out of their noggins.
Look, I’m sorry I opened the Christmas presents early, God. But Shannon did it, too! Can’t you rain toads on her or something?
It’s true that a body can get used to anything given long-term and regular exposure. People, given enough practice, can swallow swords or feel no pain when holding hands above candle flames. I used to think that throwing up was the most disgusting thing a body can do to itself...
...but then I ate lots of spinach in one sitting.
I’m used to the daily heaving now. It’s not pleasant, but I find myself trying to accentuate the positive. This morning’s affirmation was “well, it’s been a few hours since I’ve eaten anything, so there won't be any chunks.” Of course, that also means that since my body had little food to return to the sewer gods, it made up for the lack of baloney sandwich with an extra helping of stomach acid.
I hope that last sentence gave you all the sour grapes face. I cannot be alone in this.
Another upside: if I drink sunny delight, I am unsure of the acid/delight ratio. It’s all one.
So God, if you are a blog reader: I’M SORRY THAT I HURLED IN KIM SPEICHER’S SHOES AT GIRL SCOUT CAMP. Even if she was a skanky little elitist cow, she didn’t deserve to slosh her way to the outhouse.
Maybe I just should have fed her lots of spinach instead.
Jen,
I'm sure there are lots of articles out there about how to reduce particular perk of pregnancy - drugs, meditation, exorcism. But is anyone giving advice about how to live with it when the remedies don't work and how to find the positive side of it? You could probably sell an essay about timing your erruptions so that you "accidently" fill your bosses shoes or gain revenge on a rude waitperson at lunch. You could research and list those foods that taste as good coming up as they did going down. I can see ads for "reduced-acid" OJ with a pregnant woman proclaiming, "Ummm, it tastes so good and it doesn't burn much when I spew, too!"
Think of the possibilities.
Got here via Shannon's blog.
I read that the worse your morning sickness is, the less likely your child is to have birth defects. It was a study by a woman who believed that there MUST be a reason for "morning" sickness, and she found that the severity and duration of morning sickness varied inversely to birth defects, particularly non-genetic ones.
So that's another plus.
Posted by: Elizabeth at December 24, 2005 3:15 AM