My front yard has four fewer mines buried in it. Prior to today, my yard was the most forbidding and dangerous yard in the neighborhood. For those readers outside of Las Vegas, the city only allows homeowners two types of landscaping: xeriscaping and grass.
Xeriscaping (Xeros means “dry” in “Greek”) is the fancy term for rocks and scruffy little shrubs. Grass (Grass means “grass” in “English”) is the fancy term for rocks and scruffy little shrubs with a plot of grass roughly the size of Ally McBeal’s bum. Dimitri and I decided on Xeriscaping, since neither of us cared to use a lawnmower.
As a homeowner, one doesn’t get to choose the plants one will have in one’s yard. Rather, one relies on the seasoned herbological expertise of the day-laborer the contractor hires to shove plants in strategically placed holes in the yard. Our guy made landscaping choices that Morticia Addams would be proud of. (Remember Cleopatra the African Strangler?)
To the very last plant, shrub, and tree, my yard is the deadliest of all yards in the neighborhood. All of my plants have barbs, spikes, or (no kidding) bayonets. On a windy day my postman will seek me out and beg that I trim back the tree by the mailbox. At least, I think that is what he says, since my tree managed to perforate his windpipe and torso with its branches. Those plants that don’t have built-in weaponry grow so quickly and so aggressively that visitors often get swallowed by the plant life on the way to the front door.
I had a little extra time today, so I finished digging out four of the plants. They put up a fight (I have the bloody holes to show for it) but I reign victorious. The yard is a little less threatening now. I did find the remains of a UPS man in the Yucca, though. Pity.
You caused holes in your body in order to get the holes out of your yard...interesting.
Posted by: JennySmith at November 5, 2004 4:04 PM