Levedy

Rules for Tourists

Last night at midnight I was at the airport picking up Dimitri from his business trip in New York. His flight was pretty late, so I had ample time to people watch at the airport. As a public service for all Las Vegas tourists, here are a few ground rules you must adhere to if you are indeed going to visit sin city.

1.Do not try to dress like the locals. The old adage may be true: “when in Rome, do as the Romans do”, but don’t try it in Vegas. It may be helpful to blend in the background when studying, oh, silverback gorillas in Africa, but not in Vegas. You see, locals do NOT wear gold lame disco shirts, nor do they wear too-tight velour jogging suits with Mr. T style gold jewelry. I have yet to see a local wear ringed knee-high tube socks with jogging shorts and a loud Hawaiian shirt. Trust me, you look like a moron.

2.Fanny Packs are stupid. So many of you feel the freedom and ease then comes with carrying your belongings in a satchel that straps to your waist. You can carry your sunscreen, your camera, your hotel key, and about forty dollars in quarters in those packs. You resemble the burros that Juan Valdez uses to cart sacks of coffee beans from the mountainsides of Bogota. “But purses are so easy to steal” you tell me, weary of the sketchier element that indeed hangs around the Strip like those sucker fish who cling to sharks. True, but how smart is it to replace your purse with a cheaply fastened, easy-to-spot satchel that can be ripped off your torso without your knowing it? Stupid...er…jackass.

3.While Vegas sports some of the most liberal smoking laws outside Turkish Opium Dens, it is still rude to blow smoke in people’s faces. Yes, you can smoke just about anywhere in Vegas you like (save the inside of your own coffin, I suppose), but, and this is the real shocker, not all of us puff the ol’ coffin nails. Smoking while standing in line at the buffet line, for example, is the height of uncouth bad taste.

4.The red “Don’t Walk” sign is not optional. You may be on vacation, but traffic signals are not.

5.Yes, ladies of the evening are pervasive in Las Vegas. The police, for the most part, do take an “If you can’t beat ‘em, ignore ‘em” approach to most…erm…escorts. It is, however, unadvisable to proposition ladies who you think look the part. See rule #1. You probably just propositioned an Wisconsin farm girl, and that, dear friend, will get you thrown in the hoosegow.

6.No, I don’t know Wayne Newton. Nor do I know any of the people from The Real World who stayed in The Palms. Stop asking me.

7.Rent a car. It’s so amusing to see tourists try to walk from The Mandalay Bay to The Stratosphere in the dog-days of summer. More enterprising criminals will follow you, wait for you to pass out from heat exhaustion, and steal your fanny pack.

8.Tip people appropriately, and don’t think that the lounge singer should play “Hey big spender” when you tip a cocktail waitress a fiver. She walks around in ass floss and high heels for her entire shift. You can tip her a bit more, you schmoe.

9.I like the new Vegas marketing tagline “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” but herpes has a loophole.

Fellow Las Vegans, what other rules have I missed?

Posted by Jen at May 18, 2004 9:47 AM